Just thinking about it all the time.
A collections agency person called me several times at work today. He made sure to let the receptionist know why he was calling. He represents the good people at Sallie Mae who haven’t been paid in a while. He basically called me a deadbeat.
I lost a significant amount of money when my old firm went under and I’m still on the hook for the firm’s debts, one of which is a doozy. And I’ve had all sorts of other personal issues for the past, oh, ten years, not least of which was my husband’s extended period of unemployment after 9/11. I’m financially fucked. But I’m a deadbeat. And I sit at work and try not to cry and hope the closed door will keep my managing partner out, since I know he’s been looking for me to schedule a lunch meeting. Like I don’t know what that’s about.
I was in trial last week. I did a good job, I got a defense verdict, and my client was thrilled. I went to law school because I actually wanted to be a lawyer and I was and am good at it. I never wanted to be rich. I was willing to work hard and I did and I still do. I could care less if I ever drive a Mercedes. And yet all around me I see these asswipes printing money and they’re not even good lawyers. They just got luckier than me.
I know life is not fair. Blah blah blah. I’ve read Harold Kushner. I get it. The way I see it, I can paste a smile on my face and be a patsy, be brave as the ship goes down, and THINK POSITIVELY. Or I can be truthful about the fact that this just sucks. Which do you think I am going with?