I Am Dorian Gray

I think that there is nothing more horrifying than realizing that while you were busy taking care of clients, you forgot to look out for yourself.  Doctor, heal thyself.  Lawyer, defend thyself.  And I committed malpractice.  There is no way around it. 

I trusted my former business partners.  I stupidly signed off on loans and guarantees because I was drunk with new partner-itis.  I was an absolutely dense little patsy and now I am paying the price for my naivete.   Maybe I will be able to resolve all of this without resorting to Chapter 7, but I kind of doubt it.  People around me are exhorting me to sue my former partners.  All I want to do is throw up, all of the time. 

The face that lawyers present to the world at large is a Dorian Gray face.  It says that we are strong, competent, wise, cunning, fair, just, articulate, kind, compassionate, or whatever else we think we need to appear to be to win our case and collect our fee.  But in the attic of the soul the real face lies, and it is not so reassuring.  In reality we are frightened, angry, depressed, lonely, psychotic, narcissistic, insecure, naive, too loyal, too grasping.  The portrait never matches the face.  

Behind my Dorian Gray face I am apparently incompetent and stupid.  I wonder what my clients would think if they knew how badly I mangled this whole partnership thing.  I would never have allowed a client to sign the documents I blithely signed.  But I trusted and got screwed.  This is an old, old story.  Law firms have been cheating young lawyers for centuries.   

I think I am going to have to sue my former partners.  The lawsuit will undoubtedly make the local legal paper.  I dread this.  I wish to God this would all go way.  I wish I had never worked at the damn place.

I wake up in the morning consumed with hatred and anger, and I go to sleep at night feeling the same way.  Something is going to have to give.

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